So yesterday, I went to the doctor because off and on for the last few months I've been in a funk. Getting Elli and the holidays sure helped to pull me out a little bit, but as soon as life hit a curve ball, those feelings all came back. So I wanted to sit down, as part of therapy and explain what depression feels like to me.
It's a shameful feeling to tell people that I'm depressed, that I'm just plain sad, that I can't manage it. The more I read about it the more I find it's chemicals, I'm producing to many "sad chemicals" and not enough happy. There are remedies to this, medication, therapy, change in lifestyle and exercise. It's not something I'll suffer with forever, necessarily. It's something that I can work on.
For me depression has been plagued with thoughts of worthlessness, culminating in wondering why I should even stay on earth. It's hard to say that I've thought so little of myself. At the end of that thought is the faces of the people I love, and no matter how worthless I feel I know they would miss me, that I would create a void. I also know that God doesn't forgive that, that I can't be forgiven for taking my life. Puts the thought to rest really quick. But it still comes up every few days when something is paticularly overwhelming, it's me wanting the quick escape. Among this feeling is the constant feeling that there is no hope, that everything that's going to come up or has happened that it can't be fixed. I become introverted and don't want to talk to people especially over the last few weeks. I've lost interest in things that used to excite me, and it's pretty much like I have ADHD all over again, spending 45 mins on one thing then bored and have to move on, except there isn't enough stuff to do.
With all of these "mental" symptoms I have had a lot of fatigue and tiredness. So everyday all I want to do is sleep and hope that my problems will just go away while I'm away from the world. And sadly because food is so much of an emotional comfort to me, overeating has become a huge contributor to this.
I'm lucky through all of this, I have a great husband, who is sooooo supportive and so wonderful because he's there for me. When I need to cry and explain to him I'm sorry for acting crazy I really can't tell you why I'm sad. He's there and he hugs me. That kind of love is the stuff that marriage is there to shoulder.
I'm on medication, though as the doctor told me it can take 3-4 weeks for it to take effect and me to see an changes. I have an amazing support community on instagram, with 7-8 women coming forward with depression themselves!! It's wonderful to be accepted and understood! I'm so thankful for all the love and that hopefully this funk will be gone soon.